


Devil That You Know (Better Than The Devil That You Don't)

by 1Temmie_Official1



Series: Eric's ATLA One Shots [10]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Canonical Child Abuse, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Eric Projects Onto Zuko, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Memory Loss, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, The Gaang Learns How Zuko Got The Scar (Avatar), Trans Zuko (Avatar), Zuko (Avatar) Needs Therapy, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko's Scar (Avatar), katara isn't mean she's just protective, memory loss in the sense that he doesn't remember stuff cuz trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27701198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1Temmie_Official1/pseuds/1Temmie_Official1
Summary: Zuko didn't remember his childhood.
Relationships: Ozai & Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Eric's ATLA One Shots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1943566
Comments: 10
Kudos: 351
Collections: avatar tingz





	Devil That You Know (Better Than The Devil That You Don't)

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags. There are graphic descriptions of child abuse. Heed with caution.

Zuko didn't remember his childhood.

It was perfectly normal, most people couldn't remember all of it. It wasn't like it was a blank wall, though parts of it were. It wasn't like he forced himself to remember, though he did often try. He didn't tell people about his childhood, why should he (if he had he would have realized too many things were missing, too many things forgotten), he didn't like to talk about the girl that once was the fire princess.

So it was fine. He didn't have time to worry about the past when the future was so consuming. Especially with the comet nearly arriving. They needed supplies. So Katara, Sokka, and Suki joined Zuko on the late-afternoon trip to the market. Thank Agni that there was a good stock of coins in his family's old summer home.

Zuko didn't remember why he had to argue for Sokka. A shopkeeper called him strange for being interested in jewelry, why couldn't Zuko ever learn to keep his mouth shut? Why couldn't he ever remember that he had to stop standing up for other people? Just shut up, shut up, shut up. Why couldn't he ever learn.

What Zuko does remember, however, is what happened next. "You need to learn some respect." His voice was tinged with danger, insult hidden behind innocuous words. That wasn't what Zuko heard, though.

Respect.

_Respect._

_Oh._

You will learn respect. You will learn respect and suffer. You will learn respect and suffering will be your teacher. Zuko remembered just a few seconds of time. A warm hand on his face. Cautious comfort. Then...

Fire. It burned him. He didn't feel the pain, strangely. It must have hurt so much. He didn't feel it at all. He was crawling in his own skin, he was causing a scene. You're being disrespectful, he chastised himself.

"Apologies." His voice was strangely even. It felt wrong. "I'll leave."

Zuko walked. He was suffocating in the people. It had burned him. His face stung with phantom pains. Respect. You will learn respect and suffering will be your teacher. It was okay. He was making a big deal out of nothing, it was normal. Respect. Be respectful.

"What was that all about back there?" Sokka asked, catching up to him.

"Yeah, I've never seen you back down like that," Katara said, voice lined with suspicion. Suki was silent. What did she know of his life? Of him? It was fine that they didn't trust them. He didn't deserve it. Respect. You will learn.

"It was nothing." Zuko deflected. Why couldn't he remember more? Why had he forgotten? You will learn respect. He remembered that it had hurt, but he didn't remember the hurt. Suffering will be your teacher. He was a teacher to Aang, Zuko liked to think he wasn't bad at it. Suffering had paved the roads that he walked, mended the clothes on his back, tucked him in for sleep. Zuko was no stranger to suffering. He had never known peace, never known love. Not like he thought he did. 

Katara's brow furrowed. "Are you sure? You..." She trailed off. "You paused." She realized. There was weight to her words, but Zuko didn't know why. Sokka and Suki seemed equally clueless to Katara's implications.

It was Zuko's turn to be confused. "What do you mean?"

Katara was accusatory now. "You remembered something. What?" Zuko was thankful for the calm before, but now fear was taking over.

"Katara-" Sokka started.

"No, Sokka, I'm right. What do you know? This could be something that wins the war!"

Zuko's voice caught in his throat. "It's not like that at all I just..." Respect. You will learn respect. Suffer. "I remembered I..." He couldn't force the words out, they were lodged in his throat like a cancerous growth, cutting off his airways. "I remembered the rules of r-respect, I'm not a prince anymore." He lied. It was so transparent. They saw through it.

"Zuko, we don't have time for this-"

"My father." He quickly said. Fuck, he didn't know where he was going with this. "It's really nothing-"

Katara narrowed her eyes. "We're talking about this when we get back to the house, I'm only dropping this because it's in public." He felt wrong. This was too familiar. He didn't know why, he had felt this before. Katara turned on her heel and continued on their way back.

Sokka raised an eyebrow at Katara’s back. Katara was keeping a firm pace ahead of them. Zuko felt... normal. It should have shaken him more, shouldn’t it have? Well, Zuko wasn’t complaining. He had a panic attack once, that wasn’t fun. Sokka turned to Zuko. “You okay, bro? I know Katara can be a little bit... intense. She means well.”

Zuko nodded. “It’s fine, you don’t have to worry.” He assured.

Sokka opened his mouth to reply- to deny- but didn’t press. Respect. He didn’t remember more. An ache years old

The walk back to the summer home was so long yet so short. Zuko didn’t want to go in. It felt too familiar. Familiar in the wrong way. For as much as Zuko fought, he hated confrontation. Fighting wasn't engaging, fighting didn't manipulate you, fighting didn't damage your mind.

He didn't cause a scene. He walked in. Immediately, Katara rounded on him. "What was that, your father? What's he going to do?" Toph and Aang, who had been in the living room waiting for them, sat up. Sokka and Suki had been behind them. Luckily Suki had the mind to close the door, but Zuko didn't have good experiences with closed doors. They seemed to side with Katara, eyes glued to him. Zuko felt so aware of himself. How his bindings dug into his chest. How his scar marred his face. How he looked so feminine. How his father hated him.

Zuko was paralyzed. What was he going to do? What had his father done? Could he even be called his father after all he'd caused? To him, to the world, to his own flesh and blood? He was dragged back to the memory. You will learn respect and suffering will be your teacher. Suffering. This was suffering. The moment before the world was crashing down- before his friends abandoned him. 

Just like his mother had. Just like his crew had. Just like every opportunity to prove himself worthy had been lost in the flames of his father's hand. His father's hand that had burned nations and burned his face. 

"Sparky? You okay?" Toph's voice cut through Zuko's thoughts. In a part, he was thankful, but on the other, the fear came back tenfold. He had been torn out of the maze of his thoughts and mind. Snapped back to reality.

Tell the truth? They could be trusted, Zuko thinks. They didn't hate him, but they would. Tell a lie? He had never been good at lying, but he could end it. Maybe. Azula had always been the better liar. Azula had always been better.

"What happened, Zuko?" Katara asked again. Zuko could feel his hands fidgeting. He shouldn't be doing that. It was disgusting, his father's voice echoed.

"Zuko doesn't look that good, should we really be asking?" Aang suggested. His brain felt like it was filled with smoke and fog. Buzzing yet greyed. His thoughts were moving so fast but his mind was moving so slow.

He found his voice. "I'm fine." It was sharp. It felt so clear despite how muddled his mind was. "I was just remembering the Agni Kai." Fuck, fuck, fuck, that wasn't good. That was wrong. Fuck. Fuck. He was done for. He could have diverted but fuck he didn't. 

"Agni Kai?" Katara asked. Wait they might not know.

"You've fought in an Agni Kai?" Aang was confused. Well fuck.

"What's an Agni Kai?" Sokka echoed his sister.

Aang swooped in with an explanation. "They're a firebender's honour duel. They're usually fought to settle high disputes, only in the most extreme cases." Aang's brow furrowed. "But, Zuko, you're too young to fight in one? They're a master's duel."

Fuck it. Too late to prolong his suffering, might as well get it over with. Despite his better sense, Zuko confessed. "I duelled my father. That's how I got my scar." The words were ash on his tongue. "'You will learn respect, and suffering will be your teacher.'" He quoted, feeling all too much like Ozai. He didn't feel anything at all, mind wrapped in a blanket. "I'm going to bed now."

Zuko walked past them, all of them too shocked to speak. Zuko felt so in control of his body. For once he didn't feel the itch of fidgets under his skin, hands eerily still. The sun had long dimmed. He laid down in bed. Zuko had never felt so tired. He didn't even take off the bindings.

He slept a dreamless sleep.

-

When he woke his chest ached, bandages cutting into the sides of his chest with a feeling not dissimilar to rope burn. Heeding Uncle's advice- _he should have done that so much_ \- he unwrapped the bindings, somehow making his chest ache sorer than before. The breaths he took were much deeper. However, this meant that he had to stay laying on his back if he were to avoid them, laying on his chest would only hurt more. He pulled one of the pillows from the side of him. He didn't want to get out of bed today. Placing the pillow on top of his chest as to not have to see _them_ , he laid back, staring at the ceiling. He talked too much. He should have taken his father's advice and shut up.

Zuko felt so, _so_ tired.

He tried to remember more. Why did his father do that? He hadn't talked about it, he hadn't remembered. No one else would know the real reason except his father. Zuko tried to remember the rest of the memory. Nothing. Only his father's hand on his face and those ten horrible words.

He really was worthless, wasn't he. So pathetic as to not remember. So terrible as to be pushed away. It was only a matter of time.

A knock on the door sent a jolt of instinctive fear through him. "Zuko! Are you in there?" Sokka asked.

Fuck, his bindings. He felt frantic. "I'm not dressed!" He called to Sokka.

"I'll wait for you!"

Zuko sighed. It was worth it, but it still hurt. Quickly wrapping his chest, he fixed his clothes so they didn't look slept in. He took a breath, hand resting on the handle of the door. This wasn't going to be fun.

Sokka's eyes immediately went to his scar. Zuko hated it. He turned away. Sokka opened his mouth to speak. _Here it comes. I had a good run._ "I'm sorry." He was angry. Zuko felt the urge to fidget again.

Zuko huffed. "I know. I'll get out of h-"

Sokka backpedalled."Woah, woah, woah, not at you! I didn't stop Katara, we shouldn't have pushed you."

Zuko frowned. This wasn't expected. "You're angry." He stated. Sokka sighed.

"At your shit excuse that calls himself a father. No one, _no one_ deserves that. Especially a kid. You're sixteen, no sixteen-year-old deserves to be bur-burned." Sokka's hands curled into fists by his side. Sokka was shaking. 

Zuko tried to console Sokka. "I didn't get it at sixteen, I was thirteen. That's how I got banished." That didn't make it better. Sokka looked like he was going to be sick.

"You- you were..." Sokka took a breath. "You were thirteen?"

Zuko furrowed his brow. "Yeah? That's what I said?"

Sokka seemed to be lost in his mind. Was this what Zuko had looked like yesterday? "That's how old Aang is. Katara just turned 14."

Zuko was calmer how. He was just stating facts. 

"Your father is a monster. I thought I knew that." Sokka realized something. "Your father's not a monster, he's worse. He's unforgivable."

Zuko was silent. Was his father unforgivable? He, despite all intentions, couldn't condemn him. He wanted to. He didn't love him. He didn't side with him. But could he really face him? 

Maybe.

Sokka reached for Zuko, but then paused. "Can I hug you?"

The bindings, Zuko remembered. He shook his head. Sokka deflated slightly.

"That's okay."

Zuko sighed. "I'm going to go train Aang."

Sokka observed him with an indecipherable expression. "Just... if you need to talk to me I'm here for you."

"Thank you, Sokka."

**Author's Note:**

> Ha ha I rub my little gay hands together and write trauma so I can project
> 
> Bind safely. I specifically mean you, the transmasc person reading this.


End file.
